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Learning How to Die

by Portair

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1.
I’ve been waiting for a tonic To blunt the blow of what’s been coming I’ve made my peace with being honest Letting you know I’m letting you know I told myself it felt just right Walking off into the night That what I’m feeling isn’t spite How could I know How could I know I’ve found myself above the salt A better man with better faults Burning blades of weathered grass Wringing out my weathered hands I’ve been sipping gin and tonics To numb the hits as they keep coming I hit the floor and you keep running Don’t know how to end or where we started I told myself that we’d grow old Like purple palms braced for the cold Tried and tried but can’t it let go It’s like I hold on for the principle And I’ve found myself above the salt Better cos I know my faults Burning blades of weathered grass A forest fire from my hands I’ve been Waiting For someone you won’t become Anticipating The quiet before the rush I’ve been chasing A feeling that never comes I’ve been waiting For someone you won’t become Idling on the fringe Staring at the sun Looking back at where i’ve been And how I can become Water sitting on the skin Sulfur in the cut Learning how to let it go Idling on the fringe Staring at the sun Looking back at where i’ve been And how I can become Water sitting on the skin Sulfur in the cut Learning how to let it go
2.
If I wrote my life down Would you read it back to me? Would I hurt the same way As I did in memory? Tell me all about the moon that pulled our strings Tell me all about the sun that stained our skin I won’t have a final word When I lay down my head Cause I’ve learned the hardest way To say the things I meant I did the best with what I had Without a reason why But in the end I know I’ve lived a life That taught me how to die If I lived forever Would it change what I believe? Does the fear of dying young Cause us all to be deceived ? Would I still need convincing of the things I can’t perceive? Is it our naivety to put faith In what we can’t see? I won’t have a final word When I lay down my head Cause I’ve learned the hardest way To say the things I meant I did the best with what I had Without a reason why But in the end I know I’ve lived a life That taught me how to die We don’t know how far we are from heaven But we’re ninety million miles from the sun We don’t know how close to God we’ve come But we’re face to face with everyone we love I won’t have a final word When I lay down my head Cause I’ve learned the hardest way To question where I’m led I did the best with what I had Without a reason why But in the end I know I’ve lived a life That taught me how to die
3.
Afterglow 03:10
I’ve made peace with losing you If I say it out loud will it make it true I was cheated of my youth Cause everything moves too fast so soon Face the ocean trace the sun We’ll give it all meaning where there’s none Silence speaks to me in tongues I’ve carried my coal but now I’m done Oh love where’d you go? Burned through all of our days Feel your afterglow Keeping me awake Feel your afterglow Keeping me awake Oh love where’d you go? Burned through all of our days Feel your afterglow Keeping me awake
4.
Kerosene 03:27
Kerosene To the fire searing My uncertainty Velveteen Smoking like the fabric Of our history I don’t wanna reach back out I don’t wanna sow my doubt Again Oh my love is spent How am I to force forget The beauty that I now regret Instead All my love is spent On you You You Running out of steam Kerosene Black and white Losing colour with the grain it comes to light Love of mine The balance now is reeling Cause we broke the bearing wall And our footing felt the fall I don’t wanna reach back out I don’t wanna sow my doubt Again Oh my love is spent How am I to force forget The beauty that I now regret Instead All my love is spent On you You You Running out of steam Kerosene I don’t wanna reach back out I don’t wanna sow my doubt Again Oh my love is spent How am I to force forget The beauty that I now regret Instead All my love is spent
5.
You are the sun Bring light where there’s none If I look back on the moments How they all played their part There is meaning to be found In the still of the dark Daylight burns away Tomorrow people change But I will know you always If your air leaves my lungs To lose is still to love And I will feel you always There’s beauty in this life we’ve built You are the sun Forever shine on I can feel you in the fractures of time I know by heart There is meaning to be found in the still In the still of the dark Daylight burns away Tomorrow people change But I will know you always If your air leaves my lungs To lose is still to love And I will feel you always There’s beauty in this life we’ve built
6.
Disbelief 04:02
Give me something to believe Got no faith in mystery Or a love that I can’t see I find hope in disbelief of you Flowers blooming in the snow When I die where will I go? Some things we’re not meant to know But meaning is my disbelief of you Give me something to believe Got no faith in mystery Or a love that I can’t see I find hope in disbelief of you

about

Similar to stuffing a message in a bottle, Portair encodes ponderous thoughts inside of cinematic soundscapes stitched together from analog synthesizers and live instrumentation. Within this framework, he stretches boundaries, infusing hummable hooks with deep personal meaning. The Australia-born and Los Angeles-based singer, songwriter, producer, and multi-instrumentalist provokes big questions by way of intimate songcraft on his EP, Learning How To Die.

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released February 24, 2023

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Portair Canberra, Australia

“It is always difficult writing such personal things and knowing the people closest to me will speculate that they played a part in that. For me, this is a cathartic outlet. I hope it can be that for other people, too.”

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